It’s been a year since I last visited with Lucy. That was the longest trip ever and I can’t say it was a total vacation. Our previous visits were innocent. When we were introduced to one another, it was playful, fun, and carefree. We danced, we sang, we cried over Lana Del Rey’s “Ride,” I became open to my long lost artistic freedom, and it was a wonderful tribute.
I went on this previous ride with intentions of jumping out of a vicious loop, metaphorical suicide. But I got caught up in the midst of things and it seemed as if I was stuck in the 1990s; a previous reality coinciding with the present. I relived my car accident, I thought my current lover was the Almighty, a reincarnation of my childhood love, I set out to create a dynasty that would be left for my nieces, and I wanted to escape memories of sexual abuse. That is a lot to accomplish especially in the midst of a homeless winter and no one to help me when I fell down the rabbit hole. While I was swimming in the sublime, it seemed as if my lover was playing mind games with me, trying to incorporate himself deeper into my psyche. Now I understand the means of mind control.
I found that although I was vulnerable, my mind was stronger than I knew, and I climbed out of the hole unscathed. Well, not completely. A week in Pond 4 Yale New Haven Health, I realized there were levels to this thing called being crazy. Every voice penetrated my mind, and I could not escape from the whirlwind. Yet, the hospital was a place of refuge and respite.
I had no idea what I was entangled in and I wanted out. I hid from the man who told me he loved me and I waited a few days to tell him where I was. He told the hospital he was my fiancé when he came to visit me with his big brother. I was confused and wondered if indeed we did get married, and that I was a runaway bride. But, they brought me back to a reality I was trying to run from. When they departed, the nurse asked, “Did they try to take your money?” And I said “No,” because all of my possessions were locked away in the nurse’s station and I had no income. So what were they really taking? My soul felt helpless, I was sad, and I was scared.
Lucy isn’t bad nor is she evil. She wants to be your friend and wants to guide you along the dark tunnels of your mind. It is a means of self-discovery, an encounter 1-on-1, and it is okay to lose yourself a little. The trip is both light and dark, beautiful and ugly. Jumping out of the loop left a gap that needed to be closed and till this day, I am thankful for my will to break a cycle of domestic violence. I continue to close this gap through recovery. I like who I have become on the other side of things. Now I can face myself as a whole and total person without the influence of a dangerous person who used love as a scapegoat. What is so profound about Lucy is that she continues to teach me lessons. She teaches me to never forget who I am. She showed me what I was made of, and for that, she is the calmness that keeps me grounded.