Every woman must make an exodus from the life they lived before. We must remember what our mothers taught us as a blueprint to navigate the world, but eventually we have to find our own way. Learning love through my mother’s perspective fueled me to be different. But as hard as I tried to be different, the patterns of the women that came before me and her were deeply rooted in my womb, and I repeated the same patterns of sabotage that they did. How could they be the one to blame?
It is part of who we are, to be subservient to our men and to succumb to their promiscuous behaviors. And love, the rush of emotions that wash over our brains causing our view to be fuzzy, rose-colored, and we are blinded by it. The chemicals that draw us near and keeps us close to another person even when they are bad for us explains the underpinnings of a woman’s psychology. The impatience that comes with waiting for the right man has led me into traps that were hard to escape from, and when I met my previous lover, it was like honey for a bee. I could not get enough.
I had always cared for him and fell in love with him at first sight. The day he got married was one of the worst days of my life and to watch him walk down the aisle with another woman who happened to be a friend of mines, made me swallow my pride and shove my feelings aside. But 6 years later when he approached me and wanted to be with me, I could not say no. He sat me down and told me he wanted to see where our relationship could go, and I placed all control in his hands. I was so starry eyed that any rationale about being with a married man did not cross my mind. I was happy to finally have him.
He kindled my sexual desire and I became addicted to the fire he ignited in me. I felt like I was on top of the world. As a woman in tune with her natural desires, I forgot the powerful ways in which one can use their sex to manipulate emotions to create a superficial high. Afraid of the withdrawal, I became what he wanted me to be and I succumbed to his fantasies. All the while, he claimed he would leave his wife, and I waited with desperation, distracted by the love making. The idea of breaking away from him came up over and over again, yet it meant I was giving up on our original intent to see where life would take us. I was led down a dark road and I abandoned my intelligence.
Although he never physically abused me, he used my sexuality as a means of controlling me. I had a severe addiction to him and I craved his body inside of mines. I had become a woman I never thought I would be: the woman who was left behind on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. It was as if I was non-existent during these times. My mental health plummeted and I became a mad woman. I could never tell what he truly wanted and I felt washed up. The reality of the situation sunk in when I realized he would never leave his wife. But we had already established my role, and I was good at acting.
I tried many times to leave him. I even slept with other people, yet nothing compared to his deliciously continuous neglect and return. And he made love to my body better than the guys I tried to replace him with. The confidence I felt in my attempts to leave him dissolved quickly and I ran back to him. I had no boundaries for myself. That is until he became incarcerated. This was my only release from him because I refused to be that type of woman. The woman that remains faithful to a man that existed in a different lifetime. I took a final stance against a man who had his own plan and took back my freedom. The justice system does work in our favor.
Every woman deserves to be freed from the pains of our wombs that are torn apart by obligation and duty. In the search for intimacy, we often forget it is through the capturing and the escape of ourselves that we can understand the pain of the women before us. We can use this to understand our own histories and to change our future. The future generations of women depend on me and you. And it begins with true love and knowledge of self.